OBSESSIVE HOBBYING

ASPIE CHARACTERISTIC: HOARDING (a by-product of repetitive interests and behavior)

This is probably one of my favorite of Grace's aspie moves. When having an aspie partner, the unraveling period can be especially fun because when they're ready to bring their obsessive hobbying out of the woodwork, you're bombarded with an awe-inspiring amount of ...stuff. Lucky for me, I actually find Grace's hobbies genuinely interesting. Imagine if she collected used paper cups (I spoke with a mother whose aspie son did this. True story).

From the top image and down, Grace's very enthusiastic interests include (but are not limited to):

Film Cameras + Film: This was the first hobby that I became acquainted with. I initially didn't think anything strange about it; in fact, I myself took a liking to this interest and added four of my own cameras to her collection. She has over twenty cameras and is basically an encyclopedia for film cameras.

Sticker Collection: This picture does not do her sticker collection justice. This one awards her the most geek points. She has probably over three-hundred individual stickers. Just a guess.

Skateboard Decks: These made their debut while Grace was completely drunk and hosting her birthday party. It was also the first time I had ever seen them. She just kept pulling them out of these boxes and stacking them on my friend's lap and then passed out 10 minutes later. She has around 30 decks? And I think some are hidden away at her parents' house?

Yo-Yos: Her current love. She practices at least one hour per day (and is getting very good if I might add) and has become an enclopedic resource on all things yo-yo. The above picture is only around half of her collection. She has around 80 in total.

Tell me, whose partner is as fantastically unique and quirky as mine?!

Grace has made this compulsion very easy on me because she's incredibly considerate. She hides things. She has only a few yo-yos out at a time and I never see the rest of her collection as they're neatly stored away in cases and boxes. But if Grace's hoarding ever began to irk me, I'd just politely suggest that she store her stuff in a safe place that wasn't in immediate view. Aspies can be socially retarded, but not socially stupid and selfish, so I think sometimes they just need cues. Whatever friction Grace and I may have is usually reconciled through straight-forward and polite discourse. Remember, aspies aren't the best at guessing what you're grumbling about, so get a clear dialogue going. Like any rational human being, they'll be willing to accommodate or compromise. Unless your aspie so happens to be a dick.

I would also suggest establishing a real and honest interest in your aspie's hobbies.

Note to self/To come: I want to discuss the importance of manners. Also, NT partners taking on aspie characteristics, erroneously attributing other quirks to aspiness, childhood awkwardness, poor communication (ESL, ceiling eyes), AFFD,,

TOUGH LOVE

When dating a closet aspie trying to pass as an NT, there will come a point in your courtship when you will realize that the more you've gotten to know your partner, the more she's distanced herself.

Now I am sure there are plenty of aspies on the market who are aware of and willing to talk (on and on and on and on) about their diagnosis, but Grace hadn't ever heard of Asperger's during the infancy of our courtship. She just felt like an alien (and sometimes acted like one) and wanted to keep these feelings and behaviors hushed.

The closer Grace and I became, the more I realized how aloof and private she was. There is always a shadow of mystery surrounding someone new you're dating... but after six months of dating, it isn't mysterious. It's just odd.

"Modern Love: Somewhere Inside, a Path to Empathy," is a great article about aspies and their partners (thanks to M. Chu for sending it to me), and it offers insight from the aspie point of view. David Finch is the fellow aspie; Kristen is his distraught wife, searching for reasons to understand why her husband has begun to feel like a stranger after two years of marriage:

“I don’t know when things got bad,” Kristen said, wiping away tears. “I feel like I’ve lost you and I don’t know what will bring you back.”

In reality she hadn’t lost me. She’d found me. The facade of semi-normalcy I’d struggled to maintain was falling away, revealing the person I’d been since childhood... During the years Kristen and I dated, I was on my best behavior. When I slipped, she seemed to find my eccentricity endearing... On a friendly level, and for short periods of time, I was able to sustain a wonderful version of myself... But Kristen was living with me [now, and] there was no longer anywhere ... to hide. [Read the entire article at here.]

Grace has restless leg syndrome (a condition where those suffering from it feel tingling sensations in their legs and incidentally need to jolt to shake out the tingling), and initially she would refuse to sleep next to me whenever she had really bad bouts of it. Sometimes she would just get up in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. One night while grumbling and gathering her pillow to sleep outside, I told her, "Grace, if you need to kick it out, just kick it out!" And to this day I'll get startled awake to her rapid, Chun-Li kicks in bed.

And this is also how I approached her Asperger's. When I first became suspicious, I attempted to really embrace all of her odd behavior so that she didn't feel that she needed to hide away or be alone to be comfortable. And once you establish that trust (I won't get irritated when you start kicking your legs into the night. I won't make fun of your obsession with yo-yos. I will listen intently to your fun aspie fact of the day), she will gladly share her entire life with you.

My apologies for the infrequent updates.

I've become acquainted with a woman who married an aspie and bore an aspie son. My interview with her to come in the next few weeks!